on farewells, larry, and vanity

another week of nothingness. tv is officially my only haven and salvation in this daily repetitious and not to mention boring life. am seriously thinking of shooting rocks at people passing by house just for plain amusement.

my insomnia is undoubtedly getting worse and worse. this time, not only do i get to sleep at 2am, but even past that. for a couple of days now, i get to bed at midnight, and toss and turn for about 2-4 hours. one time i was just lying in bed, and before i knew it, it was starting to get bright outside. gawd i swear! and of course, i end up waking up so late the next day, about 1 hour past lunchtime at the latest. argh. read: eyebags and zits. yup, not a beautiful month for me. wouldn't have made it through without the help of my ever trusted concealer. need something important to do everyday to straighten out growing sleeping problem. just being very vain and very superficial about the whole thing. repeat saying mantra to feel better: "am beautiful and important. am beautiful and important." there.

on to other things, tine already left for good, she's now in the US and it sucks. just last monday, tine, mac, and i hung out and talked until about 4 in the morning at some outdoor coffeeshop in makati. then the following night, she was gone. it's kinda odd thinking that she's thousands of miles away, i've always been so used to her being around. it's gonna be really weird when i meet up with the other gurps and she wouldn't be there anymore, the laughters aren't gonna be the same again. anyways, that conversation i had with tine and mac was probably one of the deepest and most meaningful conversations i've had for a while. it's so nice just sitting down in the cold at the curb of some sidewalk during the wee hours of the morning, smoking and drinking taho and talking about practically everything. for once, no one held back, we were really just 3 girls who had a lot to share about life. it felt so good letting it all out, especially to people who i know would never judge me for what i had to think or say.

mac kept texting me the next day to go along with them to the airport. for some reason, i couldn't make myself to go, i have this fear of farewells, i feel like i don't handle goodbyes too well. i decided to stay at home to keep watch, because i was also home alone at that time. instead, after bringing tine to the airport, mac invited me to meet her and claire at sm manila, since they were literally hurting inside and didn't know where else to go. i decided to meet them there to see how they were doing. they were fine, but of course, things were different when they were at the airport. it must have been, and i imagined what it would've been like if i was there to participate in the crying fest.

recently, i just found out that larry wouldn't be able to play anymore. he had a knee injury that i think is really bad, and it's said that he won't be able to don the bball jersey anymore, maybe even for good. when i heard the news, i couldn't help imagining how he must be feeling at that time, the huge chunk of pain he must've felt when he found out he couldn't play anymore. i feel really bad for him, it must be so hard and so painful to stop doing what you've always loved to do, just because of some accident that you can't even blame anyone for. i just hope that by some stroke of miracle, the injury isn't as bad as what they say, and he'd be able to go back to the court and play again. i'd love to see him play again.

also, my brother's attitude hasn't improved a wee bit. he's still into that lying and sneaking out, even after my mom has done all she could do just to keep my brother's sanity intact. now, my uncle deemed it right to "adopt" him for some time, thinking it would help my brother's problem, whatever psycho state of mind he's in. so now, my brother's staying at san juan with my grandfather and my uncle's family. i doubt he'd change for good, but i still hope my uncle could do him some miracle. honestly, i stopped caring already. i've been used to him not being at home. it's just sad, he's still my brother, but deep down, it's like i don't even know him anymore.

i love you larry!

this afternoon, i went out with june to watch the UAAP games. first game was UP vs my oh-so-loved alma mater, UST. it was so funny because and june and i go to different schools, she goes to UP, i go to UST. and the whole time, we were just bickering at each other because we were supporting two opposing teams. i swear, watching the game live brings back so many memories. it's like being back in college all over again. i watched luanzon play again, and he's like, the first jock i've ever had a serious crush on. believe me, i crushed him so majorly, about 2 years back. it's so funny now when i look back and remember, but anyways, he's still the same... still the gorgeous playa i once knew. well it wasn't like we were friends or anything, i mean, i always froze when he would walk by, he probably thought of me as some stalker of his. haha, i was that inlove with him! i know, i'm pathetic, i admit it. but of course, that's all over now.

man, i really miss college life. if there's one thing i would want to go through all over again, it would definitely be back in college. i don't care if it was one hell of a ride, i had the time of my life back then, and even for a billion bucks, even with all the embarassment and humiliation i once went through, i wouldn't trade college for anything.

as i was saying, after the first game, we stayed longer to catch the main game. ateneo vs ue. and this time, i saw the guy i've been dying to see for the last 2 seasons... larry fonacier! ok, this is gonna sound really lame, but i have been looking forward to seeing larry in the flesh for a long time now... (do the math please, katipunan to espana, espana to katipunan... yeah, what are the chances we'll just run into each other by accident?) this is gonna sound insane, but i actually dreamt of him one night, like, about 2 years ago... i know, it totally sounds crazy. it's just weird dreaming about someone like him when i don't even really know him, i never even noticed him before in games. until now, i even know how the dream went, that's how vividly clear it was... won't delve into details anymore, all i can say is that it was a nice and romantic dream, and for weeks after that, i couldn't think of anything else but larry and that dream. gawd, can i be any more lame? anyways, since then, i've always liked him already. and finally seeing him (before he graduates, thank god!) it was just so nice, he looks so much better in the flesh than on tv or in pictures. ok, now i sound like a head-over-heels groupie.

*sigh* so far that's the highlight of the month. larry. i didn't imagine i'd be this... lovestruck... over a guy, and in just one day. i am laughing at myself right now, that sounded totally disgusting. because the thing is, and the one thing i'm quite bothered with, the fact that i don't like anybody really upsets me. not that i'm forcing myself to like anybody just so i can like somebody (makes sense? come on, work with me here), it's just sad that i feel so uninspired. i was talking to my friend andrew tonight, and he was like, he just wants to feel that "kilig" thing again, not really the serious fall in love or commitment stuff, just plain giddy-happy over someone. and i kinda get the point, it's kinda sad when there's no one that makes me giddy right now. well, before i was totally into someone, but with just a snap, it all just went away, i don't even know why. maybe it really was nothing, which makes me feel so empty, like there's no reason to get up in the morning anymore, unlike when you're looking forward to hearing from someone or seeing someone. well it could be the fact that i'm so confined at home, i'm not meeting new people, hence, the present feeling of emptiness from lack of inspiration. .... er... yeah, that's probably it.

anyways, larry changed all that, just for the day anyway. :) and who knows, maybe even for the whole season.

brad pitt is H-O-T!!!

i'm sorry... i just watched troy on dvd this afternoon, and i still CANNOT stop drooling over pitt-man. hot hot hot hot hot hot hot..... *swoon* nevertheless, i will still marry orlando bloom anytime, but oh my gawd, troy just reminded me why i've been so in love with brad pitt since childhood.

once an insomniac, always an insomniac

yup... it has always been an ongoing problem since, gee, since i found out i can actually stay awake until after midnight. gawd, i swear insomnia is starting to devour me alive. no matter how much i try to keep a healthy sleeping schedule, it never, ever, EVER works. i guess nighttime is really my time of day... or night. whatever. might as well deal with it, nothing i can do.

there are really times when i feel like i'm so stuck in a rut. like this point in my life. i guess i'm starting to get seriously tired of bumming around and am honestly starting to look forward to just being out there. doing my thing, whatever it is. i had no idea that bumming can also be a stressful chore. imagine that. i am actually the only bum i know right now, practically everyone is already getting P-A-I-D already. sarah got a job at a call center, so it's official, i'm the only one left in the bumming department.

this afternoon, i was playing videogames to pass time, and after about a couple of hours, i felt like my head was about to crack! really, i think the television is beginning to do my eyes some serious damage. can't imagine life without tv, might as well bury self alive.

another reason why i feel so "stuck", as how i put it, is because i feel like i'm letting some good opportunities pass. there's this job opening that i actually wanted to take already, but the thing is, i keep thinking of the dj thing that i'm supposed to do starting next week. the job offer concerns marketing and events. and it was really interesting because there's a lot of exposure involved, the bosses were amazingly nice, and the pay is surprisingly good. and yeah, slap me with an iron rod, please, but i actually turned the offer down. why? because of the dj thing. i know, it really sucks!! considering i haven't really bagged that position yet... i mean, it's a competition, for crying out loud. it's just that, i really wanna try this out first, have a feel of what it's like. i'm not even in it to win, i'm really after the experience. i know it's gonna be awesome, and i'm sure i won't regret it, since this is pretty much the job that i've been dreaming of since high school. haven't really told my mom i'm not taking the "office" job anymore, because i know that will frustrate her. she doesn't really get why i'm so into this whole dj thing, she thinks i won't get anything out of it. well i think that's crap. can't she just be happy for me that finally, my dream is coming true, though not entirely? (wow, how so star circle quest slash starstruck statement) i mean, i was surfing the web, and went to rx's official website, and what do i find but my name on it! i am actually, really one of THE worthy ones. they even got the spelling of my name wrong, but who cares, that is ME! it's still so unbelievable. i haven't felt so strongly and so passionately about something before, and i know this dj experience is gonna teach me so much, not to mention let me do what i've always wanted to do. i mean c'mon, what's cooler than hearing your own voice on air? thought so.

asshole brother update: tonight, decided to give my mom yet another reason to hate parenting. i really don't know what he does for him to go home so late at night. i'd hate to think he's doing THAT, but really, with the way he's been acting, it won't come as a shock if he comes home one of these days with a pregnant (god, seriously forbid) wife. eeugh. fine, let him destroy his life, for all i care. he won't listen to us. well i won't be surprised if he spends still more time in his good-for-nothing girlfriend's house each and every night, but that's more likely. i haven't been talking to him at all lately, really think it's all a waste of breath. he has been doing nothing but giving, not only my mom and dad, but even my everdearest, ever-favorite (well, he's the only one, anyway) lolo, an even harder time dealing with him, and i seriously hate him for it. in short, he's so selfish, he only thinks of himself, and doesn't even give a slightest damn that people are actually worried about his whereabouts, and yet, he still chooses that girl over us. i think that's what's making my blood boil, the fact that he is turning his back on us just to be with uber stupid and not to mention ugly girlfriend. i wish my dad was here, he would seriously put some sense to him. literally. probably shove it up his ass, or stick it to his head. he is such trouble, and all because of a girl (who is not even pretty, might i add). gawd, this is so teleserye. feel like we're playing the part of the antagonists trying to keep star-crossed lovers apart. gosh, seriously feel like puking after that thought. eew. i swear, if anything bad happens to this family because of them, i'm gonna strangle that girl 'til her sockets fall out when i see her... after i crush my brother's balls.

next major problem: make agenda for the day instead of staring at tv for hours.... oh gawd.

finally... a day out!

after practically an entire week of doing nothing but stretching on a couch day after day, i finally got to go out. today, i met up with high school barkada myra, fran, and becky, and we basically just hung out at glorietta/greenbelt (naks), and just caught up on each other after not seeing each other for sooo long. actually, it's bex i haven't seen for the longest time, and it was so good seeing her again after all these months. fran and bex both have jobs, myra is well, just like me, still bumming around... but that's because she's leaving for canada next month for her cousin's wedding. she'll only be there for a month though, and she gets to meet up with one of our high school kabarkada mainna who's now in LA. it's so nice, we all miss mainna so much.

anyways, we were supposed to watch "mean girls" after lunch, tickets were sold out, so we decided to just hang out and talk. what bex could only talk about was all her boys at work... haha all the boys she fancies, anyway. for a moment there, it was just like the old days, us laughing our heads off like we did at stones 4 back in high school at st. scho. geez, some things never change.

got home tonight and found lolo at home, having some serious talk with bok and mama. bok has been totally a big headache lately, i don't know if it's some rebel stage he's probably in right now, but it's definitely not making things easy at home. my mom is obviously having a hard time trying to put some sense in my brother's completely non-sense brain, especially since my dad is 2000 miles away from home, and so missing-in-action. i know it's tough being a teenager, but i don't remember being THAT rebellious when i was his age. gawd, and i thought i was the black sheep in the family. the thing is, he's been sneaking out every weekend to his girlfriend's place, and stays there for the entire night. my mom practically bit my head off last night when she found out bok snuck out without me noticing. gee, i'm not the boss of him... if bok won't listen to my mom, what are the chances he'll listen to me? probably if i threaten him with a whip or similar, which isn't likely to happen, considering that he can now beat the crap out of me. uh-uh. no thank you.

the thing is, i don't know why he's so serious with this girl when it only brings him to so much trouble. i mean, you know it's true love when the other person brings out the goodness in you, brings out the best... but in his case, it's been bringing out nothing from him but his hideous, selfish side. or in other words, my mom's worst parenting nightmare finally unfolding to reality.

decided to do tae-bo starting next week. must work-out, eating habits getting worse, and am starting to get flabbier and flabbier. hmm..

the beauty of thunderstorms in the comfort of your own home

the only time i appreciate thunderstorms is when am under the shelter of my own abode. i look outside the window and sheets of rain are pouring down, it's like you don't even see separate drops of water, but an entirety of them falling down in one go. am not sure if that makes sense, but it feels kinda peaceful just seeing the rain ravish down with all its anguish, cleansing the very spot it drops on. just hearing it beat angrily at our shed *where some high school students decided to take shelter in and curse the rain in the process* is more like a drumbeat from some faraway ethnic tribe, calling on its townsfolks to gather 'round the great big bonfire set by the river where human sacrifice is about to take place. erm, not very appetizing thought.

bumming around has been teaching me a lot of things lately. i sorta miss having to wake up and automatically thinking (and worrying) about all the things i have to accomplish by the end of the day. was not really the greatest achiever back in college, i just realized i went to school for the knack of it, knowing i'd be hanging out with friends for endless hours and getting the chance to flirt around with people. don't get me wrong, that's just my own way of PR-ing to get even more friends. *smiles sheepishly*

june called up this afternoon and was seriously expecting me to go to her place (all the way in UP!) for isaw. i had to convince her i was joking, though of course i knew SHE was joking. told her the rain was unstoppable this afternoon. and besides, i'd done nothing but eat all day, i swear my mom is starting to look at me with disgust everytime she sees me sprawled in front of the TV from the moment i wake up, up until... well, SCQ Reload.

tonight i had dinner with libby and the other cheeky LM girls (rissa, jonah, ella, and omar)... they all go to san beda law school, except for ella who's also taking up law in UST. that was the only time i saw libby again, and she does look a bit haggard, from too much studying perhaps. it seems like what all law students ever do is read a lot of law stuff. it's a bit fascinating actually, i was browsing through one of their books, and they kept insisting that i take up law since i'm so good for nothing at the moment. i can't imagine myself taking up law, though that's what my parents wanted me to do even before. but still, all they ever talked about at dinner was how much their professors were killing them with recitation. yeaaah, and that's supposed to encourage me. i soooo miss school, i miss college, i miss the way i always crammed before a big recitation or test or whatever big's coming up.. well just the way i always cram with schoolwork, and got away with it in the end. all my life, that's how i've always managed to do things, by cramming. because by doing that, i know that i'd be able to finish the job, whether i'd like to or not. doesn't make sense, but that's how i've survived all these years, finishing something at the last minute.

gawd, i wish i had a job..... ooh yeah, radio idol... :)

what a start...

finally, my very own blog. it's been eons since i've wanted to put up something like this, and today, of all days, i finally overcome the laziness to do so. this is the closest thing to a journal that i probably can update sporadically, since random surge of thoughts always keep me wide awake until the ungodly hours of the morning. have realized how life has been very lazy and slow for me every single day since i have officially decided to bum around. thought a little time off would actually do me good, but now, too much time is starting to inflate my non-working brain, that it might lead to combustion one of these days. seriously hope not.

have been looking for work again, as supposed deadline for bumming around has already passed (i.e. birthday last july 7) i was lucky enough to pass the first audition for the radio idol search in rx 93.1, and i swear, i couldn't be happier. i guess the reason why i was so reluctant to look for a job was because i was waiting for the results of said audition, as dreams of finally becoming a dj could possibly turn to reality. don't want to lose hope in this kind of game, heart is really set into winning the competition. i've gone this far, haven't i? i really think this thing was meant to happen for me, when i come to think about it, i "lost" my 1st job right before the auditions were advertised. how timely was that?

sometimes, when i'm into one of those deep, meditative moods, i think how much life falls into place without you even noticing it. kinda unfair. you don't even get to take control, you just sit back and watch how it turns out. nothing you can do if things don't turn out the way you want them. i hope this radio idol search does me good. if i don't get it, i hope something better comes my way. i just wanna keep my faith in this. deep in my heart, i know i can honestly do this. *sigh* wish competition was just based on amount of fighting spirit the contender has, i'm definitely gonna stand a pretty good chance at winning. ;P