cool ka lang

i need to get rid of my demons. i remember telling myself when i was younger that i wouldn't grow old to be like those people who instantly blow up from taking shit out of everything, but somehow i seem to be directed in the same path. for some silly reason, i seem to be losing it (my mind, mind you) even from the simplest things. exhibit A: me having an insane argument with a taxi driver one stressful friday afternoon wherein i had to make it to this editing house in makati before it closes at 6PM after getting back from an errand all the way in QC. darna kung darna, but unfortunately, this darna doesn't know how to fly. timecheck: 5:30pm, and taxi (with me in it) was still conveniently circling the streets of san antonio village to even care about my growing-by-the-second anxiety. in the end, he dropped me off at the wrong spot (well, about 2 streets away from my supposed location) and blamed me for not knowing where i'm going. excuse me. before i knew it, i was screaming at the top of my lungs from frustration at the poor old man who didn't have a clue what kind of superstorm he went up against. hey i'm not being overly maldita here, he started screaming at me too! we were like chimps screeching at each other and fighting over a stupid banana. ang babaw. i thought he was going to punch me at some point but i didn't care, i was ready to physically assault him anyways from my own anger. with all 5'2" and 100 lbs. of me, it scares me how in-your-face my temper gets. sometimes i really think i can seriously get hurt one of these days.

yes, i know i was rude. there should always be that respect for the elders or the superiors, which i obviously lacked. but being older doesn't always guarantee respect, you also have to learn to respect those younger than you. you see, i firmly believe respect is earned. in everything that we do, i believe one has to deserve respect to gain it. hindi yung mang-aapak ka ng tao dahil alam mong mas mataas ka sa kanila, or worse, dahil mas bata. kung tutuusin, mas mataas pa ang respeto ko sa mga ordinaryong taong nakikita lang sa kalsada, yun bang mga taong bakas na sa mukha and hirap ng paghahanap-buhay, o dili kaya'y sa mga inosenteng bata kasi parang andu'n palagi ang respeto nila sa iba. sabihin nang walang pinag-aralan o hindi nakatapos ang karamihan at walang magarang trabaho, pero ikumpara ang gano'ng pag-uugali sa mga taong nakapagtapos nga at nasa mataas na posisyon. hindi ba parang sila pa yung kung makatrato ng ibang mas mababa pa sa kanila eh parang haring tumatrato ng alipin. respeto lang, sa kahit kaninong tao at makakasigurong babalik din ang respeto sa'yo. walang panigurado na porke ikaw ay nakakalamang sa iba ay mas mataas ang respetong matatamasa mo. nirerespeto ka nga pag ika'y nakaharap, pero nakakasiguro ka bang gano'n pa din ang respeto sa'yo pag ika'y nakatalikod?

and that was the first time i ever saw her mad like that. it felt like being a completely different person, blurting out hurtful word after hurtful word. it didn't help that it was being said at a decibel higher than normal. i kept telling people and myself that i don't usually get angry because i don't know how, but i think the reason why i don't is really because i wouldn't be able to control myself once i do. just like a volcano who suddenly erupts after a long sleep. but the thing is, i felt terrible after. i felt terrible that i had to let everything out in such a manner. or that i even had to let it out at all. i've always been peace-loving which i got from my dad who takes things in stride with unwavering pleasantry. he usually falls silent when ticked as if deep in thought, but learns to fire up when something is obviously very wrong. now i'm starting to become more and more like my mom, fiery and feisty at just about every little annoying thing. not that i find anything wrong with that, i just fear that i might get worse through the years, and i'm only 22. i told my mom about my increasing crankiness, and she simply says, "it can't be helped. you're getting older." ay lintsak! then i really don't want to grow old. pull me out of the fuckin' "real world" if i have to. i'd rather be young at heart and spare myself from the possibility of being cranky the rest of my life.

nakanampuch, who would've thought i'd take growing up and being in the "real world" this seriously to be affected by it's everyday demands? wala naman atang "real world" eh, it's only the people who seem to be losing their glow and youth from life's problems who say how "life is so hard in the real world". why choose to drown in life's problems then? there is so much more to be done other than cursing the hardships of "the real world". just because we're not getting any younger doesn't mean we have to start feeling old. you can hit 65 but still be young at heart, youth doesn't know no age. i'd hate to say i myself am losing my glow or even worse, the spontaneous spirit of my youth, but i'd put it this way: life in this world is hard. period. ito ang real world, ang buhay natin, ang buhay ng bawat tao. hindi yung nagtatrabaho na at du'n pa lang mararanasan ang "real world". buhay estudyante, hindi ba "real world" din yun? buhay pagkabata ay "real world" pa rin. lahat ng nangyayari sa atin ay totoo, kaya simula't-simula ng pagkakasilang natin sa mundo ay nasa "real world" na tayo. you start facing problems and dealing with crises all the days of your life. they may not be as hard as the problems of other people, but heck they are still problems to be dealt with in our reality. ang problema ay problema, may natututunan lagi sa huli. ano bang point nito? na dapat hindi natin kinukumpara ang problema, o ang buhay natin sa buhay ng iba. dahil bawat isa may krus na dinadala, nasa pagdadala lang ang pagkakaiba. if we learn to smile at the problem and learn to live life fully, then i think that is where the big difference lies.

tama bang sermonan ang sarili? but i think i really do need that reminder, for me to learn to cool my head when i feel the sudden urge to strangle someone. ngumiti na lang. sayang din kasi, for every minute spent in anger or irritation or being pissed is a minute of happiness wasted. kahit isang minuto lang yun, napakalaking sayang pa din sa oras. at respeto lang sa lahat ng tao, sa lahat ng bagay, at lalung-lalo na sa sarili. kung sila ang hindi marunong rumespeto, at least masasabi kong ako marunong. ngitian na lang ang problema, magmukha nang baliw kakangiti at least masaya (or pinapasaya) ang buhay. kesa naman magmukhang bugnuting mahadera sa kakasimangot at kakaproblema sa mga problemang hindi naman talaga mawawala sa buhay.
















kewl. i feel better already. ;-)

signs of the times

i think i owe it to my blog that i haven't written for weeks now to finally write something of decency about what's been happening to me. the only reason i have been putting off writing is because my bora entry will completely disappear from this blog's index page and stocked in the archives where no one else will get to see it again for good. and it is a big deal to me, considering i stare and reminisce at what would be the last reminder of when i knew what complete peace of mind, the feeling of being lost to nature's beauty, and a good time felt like. but maybe it's also for the better. i have to move on from the beach hangover once and for all; as what i constantly tell myself, there are other beaches to explore. although every inch of me is still screaming to go back and make beach-bumming a profession, i will just have to wait until i discover a new beach to fall head-over-heels in love with (one word: AMANPULO). not to mention work multiple jobs to actually afford going to one.

wow, this really makes me realize how much i miss writing. i cannot believe i have completely neglected the past weeks just to "save" bora, but now it feels like gushing to a best friend a really juicy secret i have been dying to spill for so long. not that anything exciting has actually happened recently, that's the other problem. i can only count about two blog-worthy moments off the top of my head:

(1) the FHM Girls Next Door event last november 10, which was a total bore if you ask me. of course coming from a man-loving specimen all the way, i just didn't have the hormonal drive to appreciate girls work it on the ramp. the event went by smoothly, and the press people had a field day about it which is my job's primary concern. instead of ogling over the girls like them dirty old men did, i spent about half of the night trying to strike a conversation with this cute boy that caught my fancy, who in the end, still didn't give me the time of day. to anyone reading this, shaking their heads and thinking to themselves "what a loser," i completely agree. note to self: stop acting like some superfine bombshell especially when there are already a roster of superfine mommas abound wearing clothes close to nothing! or better yet, wait until the guy actually gets a little tipsy before making any move, then work it from there. the latter is more feasible, i would say.

hamming it up with some FHM boyzzzzzz

(2) *i'm not really sure if i should be blogging this, but whaddaheck i really have nothing else to write about anyways* i seemed to have developed a crush (finally!) on someone. again. after years of being romantically stagnant, or to coin a phrase i'd like to think i invented, "cricket sounds in my heart"... i have finally admitted (actually, more like forced) to myself that yes, i like a guy. again. let me rewind to a couple of years back, the only topic of conversation i have initiated with every friend possible in the not-so-long-ago past was the last time i seriously remembered liking someone. and no, it wasn't my ex. let me just clear that one up before people start speculating. it was someone more fortunate to get my attention, but too stupid to take it for granted. anyways yun lang. the point of this not-even-blog-worthy-after-all gibberish is just the fact na may crush na ulit ako. kahit na pilit lang at walang kwenta dahil may gf naman yung tao (paksheeeeet!!), basta may crush na ulit ako. happyhappy puso.

i also found the past week interesting, i have spent a lot of time hanging out and catching up with college galpals after work. sarah's 2 month LOA is about to end, and she opted to spend those remaining days lazing away in coffeeshops until closing time with the best combo possible: yosi, kape, at maraming daldal. and fine, the cool night breeze of the makati business district without the usual office frenzy. and i was finally able to see mac again! just last saturday night at her brothers' gig in some bar along katipunan, the farthest place i have gone to for a gimmick (i had to take the LRT2 for the first friggin' time). she's doing much much better, and if i may say so, even more beautiful than before. it's really nice to see her back in maldita action once again. although she's a bit toned down now, more tame, more mature about her actions... i dunnow. in a way she's changed too. her aura is a bit different, there's this enigmatic seriousness about her now. i know she's not completely done nursing herself from the trauma, but glad to say she's definitely bouncing back in the cirkulo of the walang-ginawa-kundi-tumambay gang. i'm so happy to see her again after so long.

and yes, christmas is definitely huurrr!!! again, i'm giddy like a five-year-old waiting for Santa, just like how i've always been the past Christmases of my life. and like any Christmas musings, still wondering how I could possibly lessen the too-cool Christmas atmosphere, i.e. paano mababawasan ang pagiging masyadong malamig ng Pasko. oh but it's cool, i've had cold Christmases for the past 22 years, i'm sure this Christmas won't be any different. although i could really use this time of year (*cough* 13th month pay *cough*) as an excuse to revamp my really-calling-for-help wardrobe and splurge on every item that has taken my fancy for this year. hah. who's having a cold Christmas now? my dad is coming home for the holidays, and i can't wait that the house will be back to life once again. there's also the lingering promise of a family beach getaway that i reallyreallyreally wish those two oldies will keep. i'm actually excited to beach-bum with my siblings capped with the most outrageous drinking session all three of us will probably have together. haha, some ate. reyna ng BI.

plus parties left and right! oohh, i'm so ready for the holidays! i really wish this one becomes memorable too, in every possible way.