And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live
- May Angels Lead You In, Jimmy Eat World
There's no way to describe it. I don't think the loss of anyone you know will ever be justifiable. You will always ask why. Why them? Why now? But there's really no way of finding out, is there?
I don't think this is something I can ever put clearly into words. But I'll try as this has been a big blow not just for me, but to a big number of people.
This man caught me completely off-guard from the time I first saw him 4 years ago. It was my first day at the company I've always wanted to be a part of, and I was sitting quietly by the guard's table when this gorgeous boy starts freaking out beside me, thinking that he punched his ID wrong. "Tama ba yun? Out ba? Pa-log na lang, sir," he fired on rapidly. I remember distinctly because first thought that came to mind was, who... is THAT??
But I'm sure for someone like him, he got that all the time. The dreamy stares, the turning heads, the giggly whispers, you name it. His was one of the first names that I've heard floating around the office. Naturally, all the women know him - from fashionista editors-in-chief to the cleaning ladies in the 'Babes' restroom. And when you get to know him, you won't wonder why. Raoul Erana was definitely a catch. He was one for the books. All the girls wanted to be with him. Guys wanted to be him. Not only was he one of the cutest guys you'll come across, he was definitely one of the nicest. If not the nicest.
Was.
When I got the call that Raoul finally succumbed, I felt my insides literally closed up. I've never broken down, but hearing his name and the word 'gone' in one sentence didn't quite sound right, and my mind refused to process that tiny detail. And it never will. I wanted so much to fly out to Manila the second I found out and make sure that everything was a mistake, and he was still alive and breathing. Knowing that Raoul isn't a part of this world anymore still feels surreal. He was young, he was gorgeous, he was promising, he had the perfect girl, and he had a whole life with her waiting ahead of him.
This reminds me of what Chuvaness once said about MJ's death: It's hard having a crush on a gay man, but it's even harder having a crush on a dead man. Now, I know what she means, x100 pa. But if anything, liking him to a certain degree because of the great person that he was was definitely one of the nicest feelings I've had. And I think that's something I will continue to feel for a really long time. I've already made the mistake of not grabbing the opportunity to be a closer friend to him when I could've, and now I'll never get the chance.
