R.I.P. summer 2007

i can't help but mourn the last weekend of summer. looking back pre-march, i was lining up plan after plan to make this season a blast, i.e., beachtrips worth of two months. but sometimes, things have a way of backfiring, and none of those plans even made it to fruition. it just bums me out that i wasn't able to see some beach and had some good sun action, when i was dead set on making this summer one of the best. i think i'm the most beach-crazed, sun-crazed, tan-crazed person i know, and it's really ironic i never got to spend anytime doing any of that this past season.

still, i had fun in my own way. although majority of my summer weekends consisted of work, it was fun bonding with the right people... people i want to spend time with. guess it made all that work bearable, and laughable at times. i mean, i did get to go to a ziggy marley concert by the bay free of charge, had fun times stalking my man-candy going to gigs, and wild partying being part of work's bigger events this summer. maybe it's high time i give my beachtrippin' some rest, considering i had a lot of those last year. but i do miss it, i really miss being on the beach. nothing will beat that kind of high.

here's to the summer that had come and gone. may the next ones bring more sun, more beach, more bronzed tans, and more places to explore.

wanderlusting

i'm going to bangkok in a little more than two weeks, and until now, i haven't got anything planned. no place to stay yet, no itinerary, no CLUE at all as to how this trip is going to turn out. i was trying to avoid being overly excited about the whole thing, because i might jinx it again like my supposed boracay trip back in march (how timely for my lungs to have complications) but i guess now, all the excitement is starting to kick in and i'm getting more and more fascinated just researching about the place. my travel buddy and i haven't sat down to plan anything concrete yet, all we've agreed upon so far is staying at khao san for that "backpacker" feel. june has been helping a lot with the planning, because i have no idea about bangkok at all, other than it's in my must-travel list before i'm 25.

although deep down, i'm getting a little jittery being in a completely alien place for the first time. considering that i'm a virgin in international travel, i guess that's normal. i'm just a little worried about the money, knowing what an impulsive person i can be, and knowing what a great shopping haven bangkok is. i know adventure is good every once in a while, but i only pray my bangkok adventure doesn't involve running out of money and missing my flight home, or something drastic like that. geez, paranoid much?

but then there's that other feeling that everything will be a blast. just the thought of being in a place away from my comfort zone is enough to give me happy chills down my spine. and i've already been hearing rave reviews about khao san. i've always wanted to go to bangkok, more than any other asian country. i only pray everything goes swimmingly, like not losing my passport, which is likely to happen to scatterbrained me. then who knows? bali, singapore, KL could just be around the corner ;) how's that for wanderlust?

apples and trees

a bit late but heck, in some parts of the world it's still mother's day.

a tribute to the one and only person who has the license to drive me crazy. even if we hold world war 3 in the household on a regular basis, she's the only one who i truly listen to when i really think about it. and even if our personalities are worlds apart and we always ALWAYS clash on just about anything, i'd still like to thank her for passing on to me this fiery spirit, never-say-die, take-you-on attitude. she's the only one who can pacify my brattiness and nonsense tantrums (guess i got that from her, too). she was one of the few who shared my kilig when i first fell in love, and the first one to comfort me as i went through my first heartache. heck, even my friends are crazy about her. she was the "cool mom" back in college because she'd be the first one to ask if we needed more alcohol during the after-school inuman in our backyard. she loved my friends, from the prim and proper, to the absolutely crazy and reckless (case in point: did not freak out when one of my friends found himself in a precinct after being chased by presidential security guards in our area) gave a lengthy sermon when i got hospitalized because of my smoking, but stayed from day one onwards and held me tight as i felt the first painful throbs in my chest post-surgery. even if she gives me one hell of a headache, i wouldn't have it any other way. she doesn't hold us back and lets us handle our shit so we'd learn from our actions, and even if i hate it sometimes, she always turns out to be right. there's no one else who can read me inside and out like she can.

she's one of the strongest, if not the strongest woman i know. i'm lucky i got that from her, too. i'm truly blessed to have her on my team from the day i was born.

aishiteru yo, oka-chan.

now

i want to...

scream. scream so loud my lungs will almost give and my voice will be hoarse after. my throat will hurt so bad, but i know it will feel good. i don't think i've ever done that before, and i think now is a good time to try that out. there are so many things that need to be let out, i'm trying so hard to put them all in words just to make sense of things... all the gloominess, the depression fits, the unpredictable mood swings, the deafening silence. but now, best i got is summing it all up to screaming.

now. i hate that word. it sounds so sudden, so demanding, so immediate. like "you need to do this NOW." there's no other option. it has to be DONE. obviously, i'm not a very good fan of the present time, since i was born a slacker. but come to think of it, "now" has always been taken for granted. when you're at present time, one thinks only of two things: either of something that needs to be done in the future, or wishing of changing something from the past. always the "future", or the "past". but never "now".

i hate now. i hate having to go through all this and having to deal with it. you know those moments when you wish you'd fall asleep, then wake up to christmas morning and realize you've skipped the rest of the year? or wake up to when you were 5 years old, and do everything all over again? it's exactly that kind of moment i wish will happen. now is very bleak. very blah. but here it is, passing by so slowly as if to torture. i hate now because i have to endure feeling all this heaviness, and the harder part is not knowing how to get past it. i haven't felt exhaustion this much, not just physically but more so mentally and emotionally. i've always been successful at not feeling stressed because i choose not to feel it. but now, i hate it that my defenses are all down, and it feels like i'm always, always trying to please everyone. but never me. never mind me. and now, i'm seriously starting to get tired from it.

this isn't a complaint about my life. right now, i can't say i'm still in love with it, but i hate what it's doing to me. it's like everything that's happening is driving me to bouts of depression. i feel like i'm letting so many people down because with tons of things to be done, i only get to do so much. apart from finding time for myself, i seem to go out of my way to make sure everyone else around me is ok. i feel like i haven't been managing expectations well, and that disappoints me a great deal. it really, really does.

i don't even know when this started happening. i have moments, yes, but to feel like this for this length of time is absolutely new. i was telling S. how i'm getting afraid of the person i'm starting to become, because i can't stop it from happening. it's the type of person who doesn't care if she hurts people with her words, or her actions. someone who's becoming indifferent from other people's feelings. someone who throws a seething fit when she wants to. i'm loathing her with a passion, but she's right here. she's writing all these words down. if this is her way to cope, then it's not going very well. it's getting worse.

it's just sad, because i feel like a stranger to myself. it all sounds crazy, but i can't find the old me anymore. and in the process i'm shooing away people i care about, whether be it at home or anywhere else. it's all becoming too much now. trying to save friends, doing a gazillion things at work at the same time, not saying no to a task that shouldn't even be mine, financially desperate. imagine a juggler trying to juggle a dozen apples at the same time, while balancing a unicycle on a cord. with burning coals to catch her underneath should she fall.

i need to find the middle ground in all of this, in order to become a better person again. i need to search for that girl i once knew... chirpy, bright, fun. god i miss that. i know she's still in here somewhere, but i don't know where to start looking. all i know is right now, i just want to be a million miles away from here.