i'm not ok. i don't feel good. i'm not ok. what is it with today?
i feel awful, i feel like getting out of my skin and getting out of here, going to God-knows-where, sitting under a big tree with the perfect view of the mountain and no one around.
what is it i want??
argh. stupid quarter-life crisis. maybe if i take a shower, everything will be ok?
must be the rain. where have all the colors gone?
29 November 2004
25 November 2004
the best and most provocative of his work. i will probably faint when i meet and shake this man's hand in person.
Posted by Hello
ons
maria
i'm currently reading a book at the moment, and i'm loving every page of it. 11 minutes by paulo coelho has got to be his best work. well ok ok, there's always the alchemist and i did pick up a few truths from that book, but i just feel that i totally relate to the character in this book, maria. she's a small-town brazilian girl, and after a few chapters in the book, i love her already. she's naive but fiery, there's a scared child within her but she hides that from the world because she wants to show that she's a strong woman. she wants to see the world through her own eyes, she's ready to take on anything, to try things she hasn't tried before, but her innocence prevents her from seeing all these harsh realities everywhere. she ends up hurt and lonely, but there's always hope in her, that somehow, things will turn out fine and she'll get herself out of every fix.
that is so ME.
here's an excerpt from her "journal" as she ventures into switzerland, a land she's never heard of up until she traveled to rio de janeiro by herself. reading how she thinks and views things, i can already tell she and i could be the same person....
"from maria's diary, one night when she lacked the courage to go out, to live or to continue waiting for the phone call that never came:
i spent today outside a funfair. since i can't afford to fritter my money away, i thought it best to watch other people. i stood for a long time by the roller coaster, and i noticed that most people get on it in search of excitement, but that once it starts, they are terrified and want the cars to stop.
what do they expect? having chosen adventure, shouldn't they be prepared to go the whole way? or do they think that the intelligent thing to do would be to avoid the ups and downs and spend all their time on a carousel, going round and round on the spot?
at the moment, i'm far too lonely to think about love, but i have to believe that it will happen, that i will find a job and that i am here because i chose this fate. the rollercoaster is my life; life is a fast, dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; it's taking chances, falling over and getting up again; it's mountaineering; it's wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don't manage it.
it isn't easy being far from my family and from the language in which i can express all my feelings and emotions, but, from now on, whenever i feel depressed, i will remember that funfair. if i had fallen asleep and suddenly woken up on a roller coaster, what would i feel?
well, i would feel trapped and sick, terrified of every bend, wanting to get off. however, if i believe that the track is my destiny and that God is in charge of the machine, then the nightmare becomes something thrilling. it becomes exactly what it is, a roller coaster, a safe, reliable toy, which will eventually stop, but, while the journey lasts, i must look at the surrounding landscape and whoop with excitement."
- paulo coelho, 11 minutes
beautiful.
i'm currently reading a book at the moment, and i'm loving every page of it. 11 minutes by paulo coelho has got to be his best work. well ok ok, there's always the alchemist and i did pick up a few truths from that book, but i just feel that i totally relate to the character in this book, maria. she's a small-town brazilian girl, and after a few chapters in the book, i love her already. she's naive but fiery, there's a scared child within her but she hides that from the world because she wants to show that she's a strong woman. she wants to see the world through her own eyes, she's ready to take on anything, to try things she hasn't tried before, but her innocence prevents her from seeing all these harsh realities everywhere. she ends up hurt and lonely, but there's always hope in her, that somehow, things will turn out fine and she'll get herself out of every fix.
that is so ME.
here's an excerpt from her "journal" as she ventures into switzerland, a land she's never heard of up until she traveled to rio de janeiro by herself. reading how she thinks and views things, i can already tell she and i could be the same person....
"from maria's diary, one night when she lacked the courage to go out, to live or to continue waiting for the phone call that never came:
i spent today outside a funfair. since i can't afford to fritter my money away, i thought it best to watch other people. i stood for a long time by the roller coaster, and i noticed that most people get on it in search of excitement, but that once it starts, they are terrified and want the cars to stop.
what do they expect? having chosen adventure, shouldn't they be prepared to go the whole way? or do they think that the intelligent thing to do would be to avoid the ups and downs and spend all their time on a carousel, going round and round on the spot?
at the moment, i'm far too lonely to think about love, but i have to believe that it will happen, that i will find a job and that i am here because i chose this fate. the rollercoaster is my life; life is a fast, dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; it's taking chances, falling over and getting up again; it's mountaineering; it's wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don't manage it.
it isn't easy being far from my family and from the language in which i can express all my feelings and emotions, but, from now on, whenever i feel depressed, i will remember that funfair. if i had fallen asleep and suddenly woken up on a roller coaster, what would i feel?
well, i would feel trapped and sick, terrified of every bend, wanting to get off. however, if i believe that the track is my destiny and that God is in charge of the machine, then the nightmare becomes something thrilling. it becomes exactly what it is, a roller coaster, a safe, reliable toy, which will eventually stop, but, while the journey lasts, i must look at the surrounding landscape and whoop with excitement."
- paulo coelho, 11 minutes
beautiful.
20 November 2004
when bizarre turns surreal
i had a most... shall i say, odd night tonight. i went home from greenbelt powerbooks to pass time, my boss noni dropped me off from the studio where we had to arrange a new radio ad for HP (i get to do voice-over again! nyahaha!) so i just decided to chill-out at powerbooks for the meantime, being friday and i know how traffic would be. i ended up buying myself a book since the ENTIRE store is on SALE! and i'm almost done with the last shopaholic series installment, shopaholic ties the knot. and i must say, out of all the 3 books, this last one is the one i like the most. the main character, becky bloomwood, isn't as irritating and as ditzy as how she is in the first 2. so since i'm almost finished with that, i thought i ought to buy a new one to read. i bought 11 minutes by paulo coelho. i was opting for either mitch albom's five people you meet in heaven, or other coelho books that i haven't read yet... then i saw works by this author tracy chevalier, and i remember my friend jabs recommending her books to us in the mail, so i was scanning through it, and after a few pages, i just wanted to get it too! but the thing is, they're not in paperback, which would of course cost much cheaper, so i just thought i'd wait for that. if not, it'd be a nice xmas present for ME! hehe. there, after making the purchase, i decided to go home already, took a long bus to catch up on my reading.
when i got off in quiapo, i noticed that the church was open. now i know it was pretty late (about 10 already), but still, upon walking by it, i just had this weird urge to come in. first reason of all is out of sheer curiosity, i've been living my whole life near this town (exactly 5 minutes away by jeepney), yet i haven't, HAVEN'T been inside it at all! considering the last 4 years that i've been passing by quiapo to get to school, i mean the last 4 years made me just connect with that place. when i was younger, i used to think it was full of brooding criminals (well, it still is) and that i'd probably get mugged, or stabbed spontaneously if i walk through there, but of course, i got older, i think i'm more aware of what' s happening around me, and can pretty much take care of myself already so it really didn't bother me. i think it made me the streetsmart person that i am now. one who can survive the insanity of quiapo can pretty much survive any place in the planet. in fact, the entire ambience amuses me. all the madness everyday, people selling possibly anything you can think of, all the chaos, all these different people from different walks of life, i mean you're talking rich, middle-class, and the downright poor, all thrown in there, mingling with each other (well ok not the party-type mingling, but you know what i mean). they're all there. but anyways, that's not the point i'm driving at here.
i saw the church wide open, so i decided to step inside for the first time ever, and just see for myself what the church is really like. it was HUGE. high ceilings and pillars and everything. i decided to take a seat, honestly i don't really know what got into me to go in there, so what the heck, might as well pray. i was sitting down on this empty pew, i wasn't even praying, i was just marveling (well, not really, there's nothing much super about the whole place), but i was just looking around. suddenly, there's this streetkid who comes up to my side and places a scapular on my lap, obviously begging for something. i was looking at him sorrily because i didn't have anything to give him, well i did but i was too lazy to reach in my bag for my wallet. and besides, he was ruining the moment. so i ignored him and kept staring at the nazareno (my first time to see it too), but he was just standing there, waiting for something. of course i'm not that heartless to ignore him completely, so eventually i turned to him and nicely tried to turn him away. but he was just there, looking at me pleadingly for something, and made this hand gesture of putting food in his mouth, indicating that he he wanted to eat. i asked him if he had eaten anything (geez, stupid question... really now mica) and so, i had an even better idea! i decided to feed him! i was like "di ka pa kumain? tara kain tayo." at first he was hesitant to follow me, i was seriously thinking of punching him if he preferred money over food, i mean i'd be giving him even MORE than what i'd normally give in cash! but the thing was, he was with his siblings, 2 of them, and he didn't wanna go off with me (eew that sounded really wrong... sounded like we were eloping or something... *shudder* ok this is a CHILD i'm talking about here!) without his sibs. so i decided to invite them too. i made them choose where to eat, i know i still have enough money left, it's not like they have starbucks there. jollibee was closed already so we went to dunkin donuts instead. of course it was weird having all these people look really oddly at me, and probably thinking what's that chick doing?? but really, it felt so good. i didn't even feel guilty that i'm spending money at all. wow, now that's a first. so there we were, just eating. i had a donut, and i let the kids have sandwiches. i was trying to strike conversations with them and they were just really sweet. god i just love kids. i wish i never had to grow old, i love their innocence and just being... a child. but of course, i wouldn't have all this knowledge if i never left childhood. but still, i envy them. so much.
after that, we left, and they showed me where they were sleeping. this cardboard kariton-like box. honestly. what is this night all about??? i know there's depression and sadness and misfortune in the world, but it's another thing for it to be thrusted right to your face. all this realization, i mean i'm not always ready for these real-life truths. but i guess better they come now, when i'm still young and open to just about anything new and extraordinary. it was just... weird. nice... but weird.
i'm not really complaining, now that i think about it, there was something about me being somewhat "drawn" to that church. i dunnow, i've always wanted to go inside that church for the longest time, but it was just weird how it all turned out. i was just planning to sit and stare and pass time, then go up and leave after a while, but i ended up being sinner to saint in just a snap. amazing how things end up, especially when you least expect them to.
i had a most... shall i say, odd night tonight. i went home from greenbelt powerbooks to pass time, my boss noni dropped me off from the studio where we had to arrange a new radio ad for HP (i get to do voice-over again! nyahaha!) so i just decided to chill-out at powerbooks for the meantime, being friday and i know how traffic would be. i ended up buying myself a book since the ENTIRE store is on SALE! and i'm almost done with the last shopaholic series installment, shopaholic ties the knot. and i must say, out of all the 3 books, this last one is the one i like the most. the main character, becky bloomwood, isn't as irritating and as ditzy as how she is in the first 2. so since i'm almost finished with that, i thought i ought to buy a new one to read. i bought 11 minutes by paulo coelho. i was opting for either mitch albom's five people you meet in heaven, or other coelho books that i haven't read yet... then i saw works by this author tracy chevalier, and i remember my friend jabs recommending her books to us in the mail, so i was scanning through it, and after a few pages, i just wanted to get it too! but the thing is, they're not in paperback, which would of course cost much cheaper, so i just thought i'd wait for that. if not, it'd be a nice xmas present for ME! hehe. there, after making the purchase, i decided to go home already, took a long bus to catch up on my reading.
when i got off in quiapo, i noticed that the church was open. now i know it was pretty late (about 10 already), but still, upon walking by it, i just had this weird urge to come in. first reason of all is out of sheer curiosity, i've been living my whole life near this town (exactly 5 minutes away by jeepney), yet i haven't, HAVEN'T been inside it at all! considering the last 4 years that i've been passing by quiapo to get to school, i mean the last 4 years made me just connect with that place. when i was younger, i used to think it was full of brooding criminals (well, it still is) and that i'd probably get mugged, or stabbed spontaneously if i walk through there, but of course, i got older, i think i'm more aware of what' s happening around me, and can pretty much take care of myself already so it really didn't bother me. i think it made me the streetsmart person that i am now. one who can survive the insanity of quiapo can pretty much survive any place in the planet. in fact, the entire ambience amuses me. all the madness everyday, people selling possibly anything you can think of, all the chaos, all these different people from different walks of life, i mean you're talking rich, middle-class, and the downright poor, all thrown in there, mingling with each other (well ok not the party-type mingling, but you know what i mean). they're all there. but anyways, that's not the point i'm driving at here.
i saw the church wide open, so i decided to step inside for the first time ever, and just see for myself what the church is really like. it was HUGE. high ceilings and pillars and everything. i decided to take a seat, honestly i don't really know what got into me to go in there, so what the heck, might as well pray. i was sitting down on this empty pew, i wasn't even praying, i was just marveling (well, not really, there's nothing much super about the whole place), but i was just looking around. suddenly, there's this streetkid who comes up to my side and places a scapular on my lap, obviously begging for something. i was looking at him sorrily because i didn't have anything to give him, well i did but i was too lazy to reach in my bag for my wallet. and besides, he was ruining the moment. so i ignored him and kept staring at the nazareno (my first time to see it too), but he was just standing there, waiting for something. of course i'm not that heartless to ignore him completely, so eventually i turned to him and nicely tried to turn him away. but he was just there, looking at me pleadingly for something, and made this hand gesture of putting food in his mouth, indicating that he he wanted to eat. i asked him if he had eaten anything (geez, stupid question... really now mica) and so, i had an even better idea! i decided to feed him! i was like "di ka pa kumain? tara kain tayo." at first he was hesitant to follow me, i was seriously thinking of punching him if he preferred money over food, i mean i'd be giving him even MORE than what i'd normally give in cash! but the thing was, he was with his siblings, 2 of them, and he didn't wanna go off with me (eew that sounded really wrong... sounded like we were eloping or something... *shudder* ok this is a CHILD i'm talking about here!) without his sibs. so i decided to invite them too. i made them choose where to eat, i know i still have enough money left, it's not like they have starbucks there. jollibee was closed already so we went to dunkin donuts instead. of course it was weird having all these people look really oddly at me, and probably thinking what's that chick doing?? but really, it felt so good. i didn't even feel guilty that i'm spending money at all. wow, now that's a first. so there we were, just eating. i had a donut, and i let the kids have sandwiches. i was trying to strike conversations with them and they were just really sweet. god i just love kids. i wish i never had to grow old, i love their innocence and just being... a child. but of course, i wouldn't have all this knowledge if i never left childhood. but still, i envy them. so much.
after that, we left, and they showed me where they were sleeping. this cardboard kariton-like box. honestly. what is this night all about??? i know there's depression and sadness and misfortune in the world, but it's another thing for it to be thrusted right to your face. all this realization, i mean i'm not always ready for these real-life truths. but i guess better they come now, when i'm still young and open to just about anything new and extraordinary. it was just... weird. nice... but weird.
i'm not really complaining, now that i think about it, there was something about me being somewhat "drawn" to that church. i dunnow, i've always wanted to go inside that church for the longest time, but it was just weird how it all turned out. i was just planning to sit and stare and pass time, then go up and leave after a while, but i ended up being sinner to saint in just a snap. amazing how things end up, especially when you least expect them to.
18 November 2004
enjoying the 1st of LAUNCHcast radio's 7-day free trial on my messenger. for some reason, i'm having a flashback of a certain late-night conversation with a friend i've lost in touch with as he was humming the tune to the song i'm listening to right now, case's missing you. hmm. nothing much. just felt like sharing it.
16 November 2004
again!!
i changed my layout! this is like, the 4th time already? yeah and this time, i did it all by myself!!!! man i feel really smart! hahaha, imagine having to comprehend all those html scripts and web whatnots that i've never ever understood, and now, voila! props to me, props to ME! hmm ok, got a bit carried away there, this is my first time to do such a thing, i'm not really the web designer type. i'm only keen on surfing it, not creating it, if you know what i'm saying. anyways, i'm gonna be enjoying this layout for a while, all from my own furrowing brows, heavy sighs, and deep concentration to make all this possible. *wink*
ok gotta bounce, have been working on this for hours....
i changed my layout! this is like, the 4th time already? yeah and this time, i did it all by myself!!!! man i feel really smart! hahaha, imagine having to comprehend all those html scripts and web whatnots that i've never ever understood, and now, voila! props to me, props to ME! hmm ok, got a bit carried away there, this is my first time to do such a thing, i'm not really the web designer type. i'm only keen on surfing it, not creating it, if you know what i'm saying. anyways, i'm gonna be enjoying this layout for a while, all from my own furrowing brows, heavy sighs, and deep concentration to make all this possible. *wink*
ok gotta bounce, have been working on this for hours....
15 November 2004
going divi
it's been a while. honestly speaking, what's been keeping me from laying out thoughts right now is the fact that there's this big crack on my everyday road, i'm really trying to avoid talking about it for now. let's just say i'm a bit tad afraid of decisions, i always was. and now, there's this big one i have to come to terms with in a matter of days, and i'm still left with no clue on which to decide. hmm. doesn't really make sense. ergo, no point talking about it for now.
it's been a long weekend, and mostly i spent it at home. i was hoping it could be another trip to the beach, but i'm still too toast to bask under the sun. might as well gain my color back first. anyways, it was a pretty peaceful weekend. i was supposed to go out last saturday night with friends jabs and fran to have dinner, but come saturday afternoon, i was struck with hyperacidity, my worst disorder that seems to run in the family (yeah all of us have gastric digestive issues at some point, depending on what we eat. talk about bon apetit....) so yeah, i spent the entire afternoon wringing in bed with pain, like literally, my stomach seems to be twisting on its own, the pain was just indescribable. my mom always told me that ulcer was the WORST illness in the world because the pain is just out-of-this-world so i better eat on time/not skip meals/yada yada. and though what i felt was probably nowhere near ulcer, it was still HELL! i was hoping i'd feel better by 4pm, at least that would give me enough time to prepare for the night, but it didn't subside. so i decided to call it off. i felt really bad, my stupid digestive problems just ruined my entire saturday agenda. i just drowned myself watching tv that night then. sunday was nothing less ordinary. i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind starring jim carrey and kate winslet. i've bought the dvd over a week ago, yet i've only had time to watch it last night. GOOD movie. my mom slept through it though, but the whole mind-boggling plot got the better of me. the poem by alexander pope from which the title was adapted still clings to my mind, but i'm no poetry genius, i honestly don't get this at all.
How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
anyways, today is my last day of rest. so i put it into good use instead of staring at my room's brown-stained ceiling smoking my lungs out. i decided to go with my clan to go shopping in tutuban. well everytime i shop there, i never seem to find anything i like. but oh wellz, i decided to go, it'd would be a complete change of scenery and activity for me. and, would give me time to shop! yey! so we went there, and surprise surprise. couldn't find anything to buy. well anything i like, anyway. i just have no patience when it comes to searching for THE best buy. i'm very impulsive, i just buy the first thing i like that catches my eye. well i got corporate attire and shoes at the top of my list since i'm really lacking in office wear. but all the slacks and shoes i found are no good... either too pricey or it didn't fit me. tsk tsk. picky picky. so i opted for a pair of floral skirts instead. :) i've been dying to wear skirts, just for a new look and feel, and they were perfect! yey for me. and it's really nice going out with the ENTIRE (yes li'l bro was there! shock.) members of my family present. it kinda makes up for everything, we may not be at the most glamorous or most relaxing place on earth, but it sure was fun just to be with all of them at the same time, laughing our heads off everytime. i think over the years, my family has evolved into a barkada-ish type, i mean my mom wants to be involved in everything we talk about. we can even get away with cursing in front of her, haha. oh well. it just seems like we forget we're with a mom sometimes. but it's cool, i like it better that she's so involved. at least there are no barriers between us young ones and her, we can all totally relate. only my dad was missing, but hey! i'll be seeing him this CHRISTMAS!!!! wahoo!! which reminds me, have to put up christmas decors, i don't feel the spirit of christmas in this house AT ALL. :/
whoakei. day's practically ending. breathe. new week. breathe. work again. BREATHE.
it's been a while. honestly speaking, what's been keeping me from laying out thoughts right now is the fact that there's this big crack on my everyday road, i'm really trying to avoid talking about it for now. let's just say i'm a bit tad afraid of decisions, i always was. and now, there's this big one i have to come to terms with in a matter of days, and i'm still left with no clue on which to decide. hmm. doesn't really make sense. ergo, no point talking about it for now.
it's been a long weekend, and mostly i spent it at home. i was hoping it could be another trip to the beach, but i'm still too toast to bask under the sun. might as well gain my color back first. anyways, it was a pretty peaceful weekend. i was supposed to go out last saturday night with friends jabs and fran to have dinner, but come saturday afternoon, i was struck with hyperacidity, my worst disorder that seems to run in the family (yeah all of us have gastric digestive issues at some point, depending on what we eat. talk about bon apetit....) so yeah, i spent the entire afternoon wringing in bed with pain, like literally, my stomach seems to be twisting on its own, the pain was just indescribable. my mom always told me that ulcer was the WORST illness in the world because the pain is just out-of-this-world so i better eat on time/not skip meals/yada yada. and though what i felt was probably nowhere near ulcer, it was still HELL! i was hoping i'd feel better by 4pm, at least that would give me enough time to prepare for the night, but it didn't subside. so i decided to call it off. i felt really bad, my stupid digestive problems just ruined my entire saturday agenda. i just drowned myself watching tv that night then. sunday was nothing less ordinary. i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind starring jim carrey and kate winslet. i've bought the dvd over a week ago, yet i've only had time to watch it last night. GOOD movie. my mom slept through it though, but the whole mind-boggling plot got the better of me. the poem by alexander pope from which the title was adapted still clings to my mind, but i'm no poetry genius, i honestly don't get this at all.
How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
anyways, today is my last day of rest. so i put it into good use instead of staring at my room's brown-stained ceiling smoking my lungs out. i decided to go with my clan to go shopping in tutuban. well everytime i shop there, i never seem to find anything i like. but oh wellz, i decided to go, it'd would be a complete change of scenery and activity for me. and, would give me time to shop! yey! so we went there, and surprise surprise. couldn't find anything to buy. well anything i like, anyway. i just have no patience when it comes to searching for THE best buy. i'm very impulsive, i just buy the first thing i like that catches my eye. well i got corporate attire and shoes at the top of my list since i'm really lacking in office wear. but all the slacks and shoes i found are no good... either too pricey or it didn't fit me. tsk tsk. picky picky. so i opted for a pair of floral skirts instead. :) i've been dying to wear skirts, just for a new look and feel, and they were perfect! yey for me. and it's really nice going out with the ENTIRE (yes li'l bro was there! shock.) members of my family present. it kinda makes up for everything, we may not be at the most glamorous or most relaxing place on earth, but it sure was fun just to be with all of them at the same time, laughing our heads off everytime. i think over the years, my family has evolved into a barkada-ish type, i mean my mom wants to be involved in everything we talk about. we can even get away with cursing in front of her, haha. oh well. it just seems like we forget we're with a mom sometimes. but it's cool, i like it better that she's so involved. at least there are no barriers between us young ones and her, we can all totally relate. only my dad was missing, but hey! i'll be seeing him this CHRISTMAS!!!! wahoo!! which reminds me, have to put up christmas decors, i don't feel the spirit of christmas in this house AT ALL. :/
whoakei. day's practically ending. breathe. new week. breathe. work again. BREATHE.
08 November 2004
still beach sick
weird. i'm still longing for the beach, it's been a week already and i still can't get over it. SO weird.
there are some truths that i'm starting to realize. mostly painful, hard ones i've been trying to deny. no, they're not really heart-stopping truths, just enough to wake me up. reality is such a bummer. i don't know, for some reason, i feel like things are getting so low for me lately. it's like i left my happy self somewhere and forgot where it is now. well i'm not THAT depressed, but i just feel like i'm missing something. the last time i felt a natural high was while i was sitting by the beach that halloween night all by myself, feeling like the whole world was mine even just for one evening.
#1 truth: not everyone around me is as young as i am.
>> this is just something i'm starting to accept. i think for a while i've been feeling like ALL things are gonna turn out right. i've always felt like it's a game, it'll never turn out wrong because we're all just playing. well WRONG. SO wrong.
#2 truth: people will try to bite your head off if they think it'll get them somewhere higher.
>> so sad. i dunnow if i'm just being paranoid but this is something i've noticed about people. older people anyway. it's just sad, especially if you're young and they see it right away, they think they can get the better of you. i'm not being bitter or anything, but it's just a reality i've noticed. i know i'm gonna get older and gonna be learning new things, but i just don't wanna be like that in a few years' time.
#3 truth: i love the beach. *oookkk it's not really a painful truth, but it's still my truth*
>> i have found my ultimate haven and home. ok ok, maybe not a home, but i definitely found the one place where i don't feel suffocated. i mean yeah i love hanging out at malls, but it's nothing like the peace i felt when i was there. honestly. though i'm completely burned by now and probably won't get my color back for a LOOONG time, it's all good. i surely won't mind going back.
#4 truth: i'm not getting any younger.
>> yup. i think this is the hardest truth i have to live by. i think i'm still stuck somewhere between being 16 to 18 years old. and i NEVER got out. sucks. and now i'm 21, and i'm getting even older by all sorts of responsibilities i have to take every single day. sometimes it really strangles me to think that, but it's nothing like i actually have a choice. and it's not like i can stop time and go back to when things were simple and happy and fun... and i was with friends and everyone was just happy hanging out and having good laughs. i know it's impossible to take everything back, but i'd rob all the bank in the metro just to have that back.
there were some more truths i discovered, i'd probably post that sooner. for now it's getting late and i have to take a shower first. =) good night.
weird. i'm still longing for the beach, it's been a week already and i still can't get over it. SO weird.
there are some truths that i'm starting to realize. mostly painful, hard ones i've been trying to deny. no, they're not really heart-stopping truths, just enough to wake me up. reality is such a bummer. i don't know, for some reason, i feel like things are getting so low for me lately. it's like i left my happy self somewhere and forgot where it is now. well i'm not THAT depressed, but i just feel like i'm missing something. the last time i felt a natural high was while i was sitting by the beach that halloween night all by myself, feeling like the whole world was mine even just for one evening.
#1 truth: not everyone around me is as young as i am.
>> this is just something i'm starting to accept. i think for a while i've been feeling like ALL things are gonna turn out right. i've always felt like it's a game, it'll never turn out wrong because we're all just playing. well WRONG. SO wrong.
#2 truth: people will try to bite your head off if they think it'll get them somewhere higher.
>> so sad. i dunnow if i'm just being paranoid but this is something i've noticed about people. older people anyway. it's just sad, especially if you're young and they see it right away, they think they can get the better of you. i'm not being bitter or anything, but it's just a reality i've noticed. i know i'm gonna get older and gonna be learning new things, but i just don't wanna be like that in a few years' time.
#3 truth: i love the beach. *oookkk it's not really a painful truth, but it's still my truth*
>> i have found my ultimate haven and home. ok ok, maybe not a home, but i definitely found the one place where i don't feel suffocated. i mean yeah i love hanging out at malls, but it's nothing like the peace i felt when i was there. honestly. though i'm completely burned by now and probably won't get my color back for a LOOONG time, it's all good. i surely won't mind going back.
#4 truth: i'm not getting any younger.
>> yup. i think this is the hardest truth i have to live by. i think i'm still stuck somewhere between being 16 to 18 years old. and i NEVER got out. sucks. and now i'm 21, and i'm getting even older by all sorts of responsibilities i have to take every single day. sometimes it really strangles me to think that, but it's nothing like i actually have a choice. and it's not like i can stop time and go back to when things were simple and happy and fun... and i was with friends and everyone was just happy hanging out and having good laughs. i know it's impossible to take everything back, but i'd rob all the bank in the metro just to have that back.
there were some more truths i discovered, i'd probably post that sooner. for now it's getting late and i have to take a shower first. =) good night.
03 November 2004
from saint exupery's the little prince quiz. got this from myra's blog. is this really me? hmm....
Posted by Hello
02 November 2004
best weekend of the year thus far
this is gonna be a really long entry so brace yourselves *wink*
oct 29 friday //
after work, i met up with june and libby at megamall to have dinner. there was this oktoberfest thing going on so the place was packed! we ate at teriyaki boi and after that, bought some stuff at the grocery june and i would need at puerto galera, like booze, junk food, etc. countdown to galera, approximately 8 hours. got home with june, she slept over at my place so we could have an early start the following day. i haven't packed a single thing so i was really messed up trying to pack right, hoping i wouldn't forget anything. june watched dvd while i rattled myself with things to bring. bought this really nice bikini top for an amazing tanline that i was dying to wear. we ended up sleeping at about 1am. countdown to puerto galera, approximately 3 hours.
oct 30 saturday //
PUERTO GALERA DAY!!! woke up at 430am, so i got up to shower already. i felt like i still wasn't done with my packing, and knowing the slowpoke that i am, was all ready in about 1 and a half hours. june got up at 5am and was all set to go in like, 30 minutes? anyways, we were all set at about 6am, and about 2 minutes away, i realized i left my money so we went back again. you wouldn't believe what i forgot though. my bra. i have no choice but to wear my bikini top the entire time we were there. got a cab and zoomed our way to the bus station in buendia, got there in about 15 minutes, lack of traffic and all. hopped on the bus, we were probably the last people to get there so the bus was on its way the minute we got on. was sleeping through the entire trip, arrived at batangas pier at around 9am, and one more ride 'til we get to the beach! when i got on the ferry boat, i caught sight of this really beautiful, GQ model-like caucasian guy that i wanna call VON DUTCH. he was with his family: parents and his cute-but-not-as-equally-gorgeous brother, apparently going to the same destination as we were. june and i noticed them right away, and von dutch, which june thinks is german, was so busy browsing through this diving manual the entire trip. hooboy, it's fine. just seeing someone so gorgeous was enough. his brother was the one looking our way the entire time, bless his young heart.
got to sabang after an hour or so, and i didn't get to see caucasian-slash-german boys when we got off the boat. it's all good, june and i started our trek to lalaguna, where we were staying. about 2 more beaches and 30 minutes away *considering our walking speed, with about 2 tons of baggage on our shoulders* from sabang. we got to our place called miller's corner, the farthest end of lalaguna beach. we were staying in this nipa hut-like place, with one room, a bathroom, and a fan. not the most glamorous place on earth but hey, we were right in front of the beach!! got settled a bit and decided to go back to hunt for a cheap place to eat. we ended up going all the way back to sabang. and guess who we saw again?? german boys!!! the younger brother sort of recognized us, bless his young heart. and again, von dutch was too busy reading stupid diving manual to care. *sigh* bought some stuff while we were there, and went back to our place. decided to sunbathe while the sun was still up. june slept on the beach so i decided to try the waters for the first time. was swimming without snorkeling gear nor water shoes so i stung my eyes from the salty water and hurt my feet from the rocks. but it was all GOOD. loved swimming, the water was soooo good, it's sooo good.
it was getting a little late so june and i went back, had dinner first, then prepared for the first night's drinking session! yahoo! haven't had a good drink since time immemorial. june mixed pomelo gin and we were setting up the table and chairs to drink right on the beach. it was as early as 7pm, and there we were, drinking already. haha, can't blame us, nothing else to do. as much as i wanted to go back to sabang to hopefully get a glimpse of, errr, von dutch again, it was a long trek and it was really dark. was intoxicated by 10pm, so there i was knocked out already, lying on the beach. haha. oh and this time, i didn't do anything naughty with my PHONE! HA! was all good and oh-so-behaved, for a change.
oct 31 sunday //
2nd PUERTO GALERA DAY!!! woke up early because we were going beach-hopping!! we rented a boat that would take us to different beaches the entire day. ooohhh snorkeling and finally, will get to work on my tan! first beach we went to is called coral garden, and i get to try my hand at snorkeling! i was a bit afraid to go to deeper parts because i'm not really the best swimmer in the world. but nevertheless, it was BEAUTIFUL. totally incredible and breathtaking. it was something i only see on discovery channel, so seeing it by myself was just awesome! i had a few scratches from the corals on my knees and legs, but who cares! i got them from corals underwater. teehee! i never thought i'd see the day....
the next stop was a beach called bayanihan beach or something. nothing extravagant about the place, just went there for a good swim. collected rocks too. after that, we went to white beach. woohoo! finally! enough of the dirty old caucasian and pick-up girls i see everywhere in sabang, we got to see gorgeous pinoys for a change! had lunch there and it was just beautiful. the sand was really fine, maybe not as fine as boracay but still white nonetheless. just walked along the beach, did more pasalubong shopping, and just enjoyed the sights. and i mean the sights, lotsa cute guys our age everywhere! plus, the sun was really at its zenith and unbelievably hot. but it's fine, for once in my life, i wasn't running away from its rays! unfortunately, we couldn't stay long, more beaches to go to, more swimming to be done. next stop was hagibis beach, and we did more snorkeling there. we went back to lalaguna after, it was getting late already by the time we finished. i think we spent more time going from island to island on the boat than staying on the places themselves. but hey, i'm not complaining, i loved riding on the boat!
we got back and i suddenly had a craving for turon, which can be bought in sabang. *ahem* of course it wouldn't hurt to see von dutch again. we went there and ate turon, bought some stuff for that night. it was gonna be our last night and we wanted it to be extra special and memorable. i didn't see von dutch though. :( we got back and ate dinner by the beach, and we even met this nice english man who was staying right beside our room, mr. laurence leigh. he was very nice, we only see him at night since he spends his entire day sleeping. he's been beach bumming in puerto galera for the last 2 months! anyways, he kept us company that night while we ate dinner and drank. june was a little tired, having lost sleep for the past 2 nights so she decided to take a nap. i was left alone just sitting by the beach and marveling at the sight before me, the clear night sky filled with the stars, the almost-full moon high atop with its reflection on the water, crashing waves.... i swear, i can't think of any other moment more perfect than that night. and i don't think i'd ever forget that, one of the best and serene moments of my life that i've always dreamed of.
nov 1 monday //
last puerto galera day. *sigh* we woke up early to pack, we were leaving the island at 1045am. our bags weren't as heavy as when we first got there, and we've been exploring our island the whole time we were there so the walk wasn't as hell as the first. i was complaining that i didn't get to see von dutch again, and i probably would never see him ever again. *sigh* i had so much fun there, i was really very VERY reluctant to leave. :( there will definitely be a next time. we got on the boat and waited for like, an hour or so. for some reason, they were waiting for more people to fill up the boat which was really unfair considering that we were there on time and we wanted to get to batangas earlier. anyways, complaining aside, i was just staring out the boat and looking at the starfishes on the ocean floor. yes the water is that clear. finally some people arrived, and oh be still my beating heart, who else would it be but VON DUTCH!!! von dutch and his family, AGAIN! i was really shocked, i couldn't even look at him straight. his brother definitely recognized us, bless his young heart. von dutch was even wearing these oakley-type of shades and oh my gawd, how i was able to contain myself is still beyond me. he is soooo good-looking, i can't help but smile even as i try to remember.
the funny thing is, i was complaining all throughout how i would never see him again, and i was even praying, yes PRAYING that by some stroke of luck i'd see him one last time, and we would also be on the same boat going back. i was promising myself i'd get his name, that it's definitley fate if we'd be on the same boat and serendipity things like that. and can you believe that, we actually were... :) i am such a cheesy fan of destiny and ish like that. my only regret, and i'd probably be kicking myself even weeks from now, is that i never got his name. just a name, even just a first name, so i'd know he is real, instead of calling him some designer's name like von dutch. but i wasn't able to, firstly he was with his entire family, so i don't really think it's proper to do any type of, uhm, introduction in their presence. but still, i wish i was able to get a chance for that. we arrived in batangas pier in about an hour, and all i did was look at von dutch and breathe everything in, at least i'd have some memory of him even if i never see him ever again in my life. june and i went our separate ways, we went to different buses. i was sitting by the window, and when my bus got moving, i got a chance to catch one very last glimpse of von dutch as i saw him and his entire family headed to their car. and that's the end of it. *sigh* he will always be a beautiful memory along with all the beauty and madness of my first trip to puerto galera.
now i'm back home, burned to a crisp and looking all tanned. my tanline is gorgeous, never you mind if i ended up darker than usual, this is actually what i want! 2nd to von dutch haha.
this is an excerpt from the first song i heard when i got back home, still very hung-over from galera and of course, the beautiful stranger that is von dutch, so pardon me if i get all sentimental and cheesy.... here's to the best weekend of the year, and definitely more beach adventures to come!
feels so fine
when we touch the sky me and you
this is my idea of heaven
i'd be lost in space without you
this is gonna be a really long entry so brace yourselves *wink*
oct 29 friday //
after work, i met up with june and libby at megamall to have dinner. there was this oktoberfest thing going on so the place was packed! we ate at teriyaki boi and after that, bought some stuff at the grocery june and i would need at puerto galera, like booze, junk food, etc. countdown to galera, approximately 8 hours. got home with june, she slept over at my place so we could have an early start the following day. i haven't packed a single thing so i was really messed up trying to pack right, hoping i wouldn't forget anything. june watched dvd while i rattled myself with things to bring. bought this really nice bikini top for an amazing tanline that i was dying to wear. we ended up sleeping at about 1am. countdown to puerto galera, approximately 3 hours.
oct 30 saturday //
PUERTO GALERA DAY!!! woke up at 430am, so i got up to shower already. i felt like i still wasn't done with my packing, and knowing the slowpoke that i am, was all ready in about 1 and a half hours. june got up at 5am and was all set to go in like, 30 minutes? anyways, we were all set at about 6am, and about 2 minutes away, i realized i left my money so we went back again. you wouldn't believe what i forgot though. my bra. i have no choice but to wear my bikini top the entire time we were there. got a cab and zoomed our way to the bus station in buendia, got there in about 15 minutes, lack of traffic and all. hopped on the bus, we were probably the last people to get there so the bus was on its way the minute we got on. was sleeping through the entire trip, arrived at batangas pier at around 9am, and one more ride 'til we get to the beach! when i got on the ferry boat, i caught sight of this really beautiful, GQ model-like caucasian guy that i wanna call VON DUTCH. he was with his family: parents and his cute-but-not-as-equally-gorgeous brother, apparently going to the same destination as we were. june and i noticed them right away, and von dutch, which june thinks is german, was so busy browsing through this diving manual the entire trip. hooboy, it's fine. just seeing someone so gorgeous was enough. his brother was the one looking our way the entire time, bless his young heart.
got to sabang after an hour or so, and i didn't get to see caucasian-slash-german boys when we got off the boat. it's all good, june and i started our trek to lalaguna, where we were staying. about 2 more beaches and 30 minutes away *considering our walking speed, with about 2 tons of baggage on our shoulders* from sabang. we got to our place called miller's corner, the farthest end of lalaguna beach. we were staying in this nipa hut-like place, with one room, a bathroom, and a fan. not the most glamorous place on earth but hey, we were right in front of the beach!! got settled a bit and decided to go back to hunt for a cheap place to eat. we ended up going all the way back to sabang. and guess who we saw again?? german boys!!! the younger brother sort of recognized us, bless his young heart. and again, von dutch was too busy reading stupid diving manual to care. *sigh* bought some stuff while we were there, and went back to our place. decided to sunbathe while the sun was still up. june slept on the beach so i decided to try the waters for the first time. was swimming without snorkeling gear nor water shoes so i stung my eyes from the salty water and hurt my feet from the rocks. but it was all GOOD. loved swimming, the water was soooo good, it's sooo good.
it was getting a little late so june and i went back, had dinner first, then prepared for the first night's drinking session! yahoo! haven't had a good drink since time immemorial. june mixed pomelo gin and we were setting up the table and chairs to drink right on the beach. it was as early as 7pm, and there we were, drinking already. haha, can't blame us, nothing else to do. as much as i wanted to go back to sabang to hopefully get a glimpse of, errr, von dutch again, it was a long trek and it was really dark. was intoxicated by 10pm, so there i was knocked out already, lying on the beach. haha. oh and this time, i didn't do anything naughty with my PHONE! HA! was all good and oh-so-behaved, for a change.
oct 31 sunday //
2nd PUERTO GALERA DAY!!! woke up early because we were going beach-hopping!! we rented a boat that would take us to different beaches the entire day. ooohhh snorkeling and finally, will get to work on my tan! first beach we went to is called coral garden, and i get to try my hand at snorkeling! i was a bit afraid to go to deeper parts because i'm not really the best swimmer in the world. but nevertheless, it was BEAUTIFUL. totally incredible and breathtaking. it was something i only see on discovery channel, so seeing it by myself was just awesome! i had a few scratches from the corals on my knees and legs, but who cares! i got them from corals underwater. teehee! i never thought i'd see the day....
the next stop was a beach called bayanihan beach or something. nothing extravagant about the place, just went there for a good swim. collected rocks too. after that, we went to white beach. woohoo! finally! enough of the dirty old caucasian and pick-up girls i see everywhere in sabang, we got to see gorgeous pinoys for a change! had lunch there and it was just beautiful. the sand was really fine, maybe not as fine as boracay but still white nonetheless. just walked along the beach, did more pasalubong shopping, and just enjoyed the sights. and i mean the sights, lotsa cute guys our age everywhere! plus, the sun was really at its zenith and unbelievably hot. but it's fine, for once in my life, i wasn't running away from its rays! unfortunately, we couldn't stay long, more beaches to go to, more swimming to be done. next stop was hagibis beach, and we did more snorkeling there. we went back to lalaguna after, it was getting late already by the time we finished. i think we spent more time going from island to island on the boat than staying on the places themselves. but hey, i'm not complaining, i loved riding on the boat!
we got back and i suddenly had a craving for turon, which can be bought in sabang. *ahem* of course it wouldn't hurt to see von dutch again. we went there and ate turon, bought some stuff for that night. it was gonna be our last night and we wanted it to be extra special and memorable. i didn't see von dutch though. :( we got back and ate dinner by the beach, and we even met this nice english man who was staying right beside our room, mr. laurence leigh. he was very nice, we only see him at night since he spends his entire day sleeping. he's been beach bumming in puerto galera for the last 2 months! anyways, he kept us company that night while we ate dinner and drank. june was a little tired, having lost sleep for the past 2 nights so she decided to take a nap. i was left alone just sitting by the beach and marveling at the sight before me, the clear night sky filled with the stars, the almost-full moon high atop with its reflection on the water, crashing waves.... i swear, i can't think of any other moment more perfect than that night. and i don't think i'd ever forget that, one of the best and serene moments of my life that i've always dreamed of.
nov 1 monday //
last puerto galera day. *sigh* we woke up early to pack, we were leaving the island at 1045am. our bags weren't as heavy as when we first got there, and we've been exploring our island the whole time we were there so the walk wasn't as hell as the first. i was complaining that i didn't get to see von dutch again, and i probably would never see him ever again. *sigh* i had so much fun there, i was really very VERY reluctant to leave. :( there will definitely be a next time. we got on the boat and waited for like, an hour or so. for some reason, they were waiting for more people to fill up the boat which was really unfair considering that we were there on time and we wanted to get to batangas earlier. anyways, complaining aside, i was just staring out the boat and looking at the starfishes on the ocean floor. yes the water is that clear. finally some people arrived, and oh be still my beating heart, who else would it be but VON DUTCH!!! von dutch and his family, AGAIN! i was really shocked, i couldn't even look at him straight. his brother definitely recognized us, bless his young heart. von dutch was even wearing these oakley-type of shades and oh my gawd, how i was able to contain myself is still beyond me. he is soooo good-looking, i can't help but smile even as i try to remember.
the funny thing is, i was complaining all throughout how i would never see him again, and i was even praying, yes PRAYING that by some stroke of luck i'd see him one last time, and we would also be on the same boat going back. i was promising myself i'd get his name, that it's definitley fate if we'd be on the same boat and serendipity things like that. and can you believe that, we actually were... :) i am such a cheesy fan of destiny and ish like that. my only regret, and i'd probably be kicking myself even weeks from now, is that i never got his name. just a name, even just a first name, so i'd know he is real, instead of calling him some designer's name like von dutch. but i wasn't able to, firstly he was with his entire family, so i don't really think it's proper to do any type of, uhm, introduction in their presence. but still, i wish i was able to get a chance for that. we arrived in batangas pier in about an hour, and all i did was look at von dutch and breathe everything in, at least i'd have some memory of him even if i never see him ever again in my life. june and i went our separate ways, we went to different buses. i was sitting by the window, and when my bus got moving, i got a chance to catch one very last glimpse of von dutch as i saw him and his entire family headed to their car. and that's the end of it. *sigh* he will always be a beautiful memory along with all the beauty and madness of my first trip to puerto galera.
now i'm back home, burned to a crisp and looking all tanned. my tanline is gorgeous, never you mind if i ended up darker than usual, this is actually what i want! 2nd to von dutch haha.
this is an excerpt from the first song i heard when i got back home, still very hung-over from galera and of course, the beautiful stranger that is von dutch, so pardon me if i get all sentimental and cheesy.... here's to the best weekend of the year, and definitely more beach adventures to come!
feels so fine
when we touch the sky me and you
this is my idea of heaven
i'd be lost in space without you
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